Dear Mushka,

Our kids are watching a show in the kitchen while we do another round of Q&A! I’m Katie, the founder of Dear Mushka and my husband Robert helps me run the company. This month we're discussing all things business, marriage and discipleship. 

Q: What were your jobs pre-Dear Mushka and what was it like to make the jump to being full time in your business?

A: I was a psychology major. I knew I wanted to be married and home with my kids, so I never went beyond my bachelor's degree. I worked at various doctor’s offices until one day I just decided to stop and start Dear Mushka. At the time, Robert was working at Home Depot, so it wasn’t the best financial timing, but God provided! 

Robert was an IT project manager. It took him nearly a year to feel ready to go full time. He wanted it to feel as much like a guarantee as possible. Adjusting to being his own boss was a challenge initially, but now he’s into it! He loves being home, working with me and supporting Dear Mushka. 

Q: Katie, how do you balance work, free time and motherhood?

A: It’s helpful to have a list of priorities. For me to be the best mom, wife and business owner, I need two things: I need time with the Lord in the morning and I need to exercise. I try to make those things happen and then the rest falls in line. 

I work on Mondays and while my boys are napping. Reading and gardening are my favorite hobbies. I do those with the boys around or in the evenings. 

Some days or even seasons are better than others. When my boys were newborns, I didn’t wake up early to be with the Lord or exercise. We survived!

Q: One tip for a newlywed?

A: I was so lonely the first year of our marriage. I gave Robert so much of my time and energy, I didn’t leave room for female friendships. I’d recommend still prioritizing time for yourself and the things you did before you got married.

We both agree that it’s wise to establish new routines and boundaries as a married couple. I swung too far and neglected what made me a healthy wife and person. Communicate and be willing to reevaluate.

Q: How do you like your spouse when they’re unlikeable?

A: Don’t make the foundation of a marriage whether your spouse is likeable or not. The foundation of your marriage is based on deep and abiding love. We can both be pills to live with, but we said vows. Remember that you weren’t likeable when Christ saved you. Use the same eyes to see your spouse. You love them with the eyes of our Lord rather than whether or not they’re meeting your particular needs in that moment.

Q: How did you meet and what were you originally attracted to in each other?

A: We met in college at MTSU. I ‘entrapped’ him to make an ex-boyfriend jealous! Oh, to be 19 again! 

Originally, and still today, I was attracted to Robert because he’s fiery! He was flirty which I didn’t like, but I knew underneath that he was passionate and willing to fight for what he wanted and believed in. I rarely know exactly what I want or think, but Robert always knows. I need that! He’s so intelligent and funny. 

Robert was attracted to my independence and confidence. I didn’t play any of the flirty mind games he was used to with girls. This initially frustrated him, but ultimately encouraged his interest in me. 

I’m so grateful the Lord went before us in the marriage. We were so young and immature.

Q: What are your love languages?

A: We’re so opposite! Robert loves words of affirmation. He can’t get enough of them. I’ve had to learn a lot about this as I don’t need this at all. I pray weekly that God would give me words to heap on Robert! Remember that God is for our marriages. Pray to Him to cover your weaknesses.

I’m a mixture of quality time, acts of service and gifts. Robert likes to spend a zillion dollars on me, but I prefer small, meaningful gifts. Really, I just want to feel known and seen. He’s been making the bed for me, and I feel so loved! 

Q: How do you think and process?

A: Robert never stops thinking. He thinks about everything all the time. 

I’m the opposite! I’m a verbal processor. Something I said at the beginning of a conversation isn’t necessarily what I’ll mean at the end. I don’t process for long and make decisions quickly. 

Q: How do you serve the local church?

A: We’re both on the prayer team. Robert prays at church with people in person and I pray at home over any requests that come in. He’s also a group coach guiding group leaders. Unofficially we’ve started having our church’s residents over on Thursdays to eat dinner and talk. We love it! 

And of course we tithe. That’s part of serving your local church!

Q: What are your favorite date night activities?

A: Robert loves Bonefish Grill or J. Alexander’s! He doesn’t like surprises or unexpected results. He wants to know the food will be great and we can relax and enjoy the evening. 

I love doing something new and fun! We’re really different y’all! We probably do one proper date night a month. It’s usually dinner and walking around a store. Just being somewhere calm is so refreshing. 

We try to do two date weekends away a year. We stay in a hotel locally and that’s when we usually eat at a new restaurant or have an adventure. I’ve learned to try out new experiences with friends and then invite Robert along once I know what to expect. 

Q: Is it normal to feel scared about getting married?

A: Yes! It would be naive not to be afraid to some extent. Marriage is a major life change! It’s hard and it takes a lot of effort. Recognizing the weight of marriage before you enter into it is wise. Feeling extreme anxiety or discomfort though could be the prompting of the Holy Spirit to re-examine your decision. 

Q: Do you have divisions of family labor between husband and wife?

A: Robert is the spider killer and trash remover! 

We came into our marriage assuming our spouse would do what we saw our parents do. This is another conversation you should have before you get married! My dad did so many of the household chores, I expected Robert to do more than he did. We’ve learned to communicate and adapt for what we need in different seasons. Mostly I handle the daily chores and errands and Robert does big or long term tasks like insurance and taxes. I gladly choose sweeping over taxes. 

Q: How do you manage when one person needs more (like in sickness)?

A: Robert has had a few knee surgeries that required me to do more and I’ve had kidney stones. If your spouse needs more, you try to give more. Marriage is not primarily about you and what you get, it’s about reflecting the way that Christ loves and serves the Church. It’s for our companionship and sanctification and for our joy. The more you serve, the more joy you’ll have. 

Currently, the last few weeks have been hard for me. Robert has been good at giving me support. He’ll do bedtime with the boys so I can grab coffee with a friend or walk around a bookstore alone. This has been so life-giving for me! 

The Holy Spirit can give us strength and power to love our people beyond what we feel capable of.

Q: Do you play with your kids or let them play independently?

A: Both! Robert wrestles and kicks around the soccer ball with them. 

A dear friend once told me, “It’s your job to be your child’s mother, not playmate.” I found this freeing. I don’t frequently play around on the ground with our little ones. I read or do puzzles with them. I also encourage them to play together independently.

Q: What should male leadership in the home look like?

A: The apostle Paul tells husbands that they are the head of the family as Christ is the head of the Church. The model is based on sacrificial love, not overbearing patriarchy. Christ died for the Church. He laid aside his rights, powers and privileges. Follow His example in the leadership of your family. Be the first to repent, apologize and seek reconciliation. Biblical male leadership isn’t a dictatorship. Demanding certain actions isn’t Biblical leadership. Robert is great at this (all glory to God). I’m able to thrive because he creates an atmosphere for us to flourish in. 

Robert describes male leadership as being like a snow plough. You’re clearing the way for your family’s journey, making it easier, safer and guided. This doesn’t mean Robert is always the first to pray or initiate conversations about God. But he’s created a place where it’s safe for me to do so.

We love answering these questions each month and getting to know you all better! Follow us on Instagram to watch our daily stories for more. 

For adoption questions, see my adoption highlight here! It has tons of info!

For parenting with natural consequences, see my discipline highlight. You can also read my blog on my Go-To Parenting Books. 

People capsule wardrobe for multiple reasons. Here are a few:

1. "Paralysis by Analysis"--meaning you have so many clothes, you feel paralyzed by the decision of what to wear. Instead of easily finding something you feel good in, you hem and haw over the decision and waste precious time and energy. 

2. Limited Resources-- Your closet or wallet is only so big, you need to limit what you spend money on and bring into your home. 

3. Or my reason... sin!

I've been "capsule wardrobing" for a few years now. Originally, I began doing it because I recognized an addiction I'd formed to new clothes. When I was sad, I'd peruse Target and toss a new pair of pants into my cart. When I was stressed or procrastinating, I'd do a little online shopping and joyously await my packages' arrival a few days later. 

New clothes aren't sinful, but my reason for shopping was; I had replaced peace from the Lord with temporary peace from the emotional high shopping brought. I began to call it like it was: idolatry. 

(Perhaps for you, this looks more like the sin of vanity or poor stewardship? Something to consider!)

For the last few years, I've limited my clothes shopping window to the first two weeks at the beginning of a new season (obviously with a little flexibility). 

Spring: March 1-15

Summer: June 1-15

Fall: September 1-15

Winter: December 1-15

This year, however, I sensed that God was calling me to a different focus. Instead of capsuling when I shopped, I'm capsuling the amount of pieces I purchase with the goal of becoming a more generous giver to those in need. This is something the Lord has been working in my heart for awhile now, and clothes happen to be the next step :) 

FAQs from you all:

Q: Why not limit the amount of money you spend on clothes?

A: I don't want to be tempted to buy a lesser quality of clothing at the expense of supporting an ethical brand or simply a piece that will last longer than one year. 

Q: So how many pieces will you buy this year? 

A: I think I've landed on twelve- one a month. This does not include anything gifted by someone else or traded (a perk of having a small business).

Q: Do you capsule your kids' clothes?

A: Yes and no. I try to buy any clothes my children will need for the upcoming season all at one time so I don't feel the need to constantly look for other clothes/ shop tempting sales/ etc. But I also recognize that kids outgrow or ruin clothes more easily than I do; If I need to shop, I will. 

Q: Where do you shop? 

A: Almost all my clothes from my favorite online boutique August Cloth. The founder is a dear friend of mine, and operates her company with such dignity and grace.

Q: How will you decide what to buy?

A: I recently heard that we wear most of our clothes roughly 7 times before removing them from our closets. Only seven! Someone suggested purchasing clothes you imagine you'll wear at least thirty times (except for special occasion pieces), which felt reasonable and difficult at the same time. I'm going into it with this thought!  

Q: How do you keep from being bored with your wardrobe?

A: For me, this is a heart issue. If I feel the need to purchase more clothes because I'm bored, I need to reevaluate what brings me joy. Of course, I'm also not saying I can't buy anything new this year; just not an endless amount of new items. Glancing at Pinterest or a similar site could help inspire new outfits with pieces I already own. 

For many of us, Valentine’s Day isn’t a day that brings up good memories or feelings. A lot of you might be like I was and feel as though you’d rather skip Valentine’s Day altogether! You may be wishing you had a boyfriend or someone special to share the day with, wishing you were married and you aren’t, feeling pressured to do something for your spouse, knowing your spouse won’t do anything special for you and feeling disappointed. The emotions that arise around this day can be challenging - bitterness, grief, excitement - I’ve felt them too. 

But this year I’m reclaiming Valentine’s Day for Christ! I just love that it’s in February - a month and a half into the new year. It’s a great time to reflect on our habits and goals we set for the new year. Let’s make it about Him! Are our daily habits pressing us closer towards Him? When we read the Bible or pray, are we dwelling on the love of God? Are we growing in love for others?

I also think this can be a day of repentance. Take 1 Corinthians 13 and replace “love” with your name. It’s a real opportunity to realize how we often fall short. Let’s admit our brokenness to Him and praise God for His perfect love. I pray that He’ll create in me a heart that turns to Him.  

This year, I’m doing a cheap project for my kids. I’ve bought a big red piece of red cardboard and written all the characteristics of love from 1 Corinthians 13 on it. We’ll gather together and talk about how God is each of those things. It’s a great reminder of how we can all be better neighbors to each other.

Consider letting go of romantic expectations (unless you love it!) and center your day around Christ’s love and purpose for marriage. Robert and I watched a sermon together one Valentine’s Day and it was so meaningful. Even a podcast like this one could be special to listen to as a couple.

Ultimately, do whatever you want! Hearts, candy or nothing at all! I’ve decided to redeem the day for me and my family as we seek to honor the Lord in all things. Valentine’s Day has become fun and exciting and awesome as we celebrate His love for us.

Last year, I started my first "cut flower garden." A cut flower garden is different than a flower bed because the goal is not to have a beautiful landscape (though cut flower gardens are beautiful); it's to grow flowers for the purpose of cutting them! 

One year in and I was hooked. I loved every bit of the process- choosing seeds, watching them sprout in our home, planting them into the dirt, watching them grow and bloom. And then being able to gift something so simple and special to friends for months on end!

Plus, I began to relate to so many of the garden metaphors in the Bible and found myself loosening my grip on control, knowing that it is only God who can grow; I just do the planting. 

Here are some bits of information if you'd like to begin your own cut flower garden:

1. Find a place for your garden and get it prepared. I used a funny little courtyard that was already at our house, planting in both the garden beds and two raised beds Robert built out of fence posts. You could also use pots! 

2. Order seeds- hooray! I love Floret Flowers and Johnny Seeds, but you could also grab packets from a local shop or a zillion other online sources. Before you grab anything that looks pretty, read a little bit to see how long the flowers will take to grow and the kind of conditions they'll need. Perennials take a while to grow but should pop back up the next year. Annuals make up the bulk of my flowers and are absolutely stunning, but will die at the end of the Summer. Also to note: Will the flowers get so tall you'll have to stake them? Etc. 

I love "cut and come" flowers that reward being cut- the more you snip off flowers, the more they produce more! Zinnians, China Aster, Sweet Peas, and Snapdragons all fall into this category.

Yarrow (a perennial) and lace flower were other favorites from last year. 

Pro tip: Grow half flowers & half filler/foliage to create a beautiful bouquet. I made this mistake last year and didn't grow enough greenery to add. I'm excited to attempt Eucalyptus this year! 

If you're already feeling overwhelmed, I can't say enough good things about Floret Flowers and their online resources. They have a beautiful and wildly informative blog with a fabulous search bar. Here's a great place to start! 

3. Get to planting! Google your last frost date (around Middle Tennessee it's usually middle of April) and count backwards. If a seed packet says "start seeds indoors 6-8 weeks before last frost date" you'll know when to begin work. For me, I began some slow growing seeds end of January and will continue doing so until I plant outside. 

I love these trays + this seed starter mix but there are lots of options. Here's a good blog post to get you started. Follow instructions on your seed packet for seed depth, water needs, etc. I set them up in front of window with these lights above. 

4. Plant outside when the time is right, after "hardening off" your baby plants a little at a time. Some flowers may be "direct seed", which means you'll just put the seeds right in the ground. Zinnias are great for this and make an excellent first cut-flower garden flower!   

Here are a few books I absolutely love (click photos for direct links). Cut Flower Garden by Erin at Floret Flowers is an invaluable resource. She just released a second book, A Year in Flowers, about arranging based on what's in season. It's a great follow-up once you have your flowers blooming! 

 A Tree in the House was informative and also beautifully written; her words were a work of art in and of themselves. In Bloom is another fantastic resource; I'd recommend it with Cut Flower Garden above. 

Here's my full Amazon List with garden favorites, but I have to say: A flower "frog" as they're called is amazing for arranging flowers in a vase. And wide mouth mason jars (or pickle jars!) are perfect for gifting flowers to friends. 

Something I'm doing differently this year: Keeping track in a binder. I have graph paper to plot out my flowers (I'm trying to cram more in this year), a sheet with dates so I know when I planted, and sheets for each type of flower to keep track of necessary details. It's a little added work, but I think it will help me feel less chaotic :) 

Our Eclipsed Lg. Locket is a shop best seller-- here's how to quickly & easily add your favorite photos to it! 

This works for our Eclipsed Sm. Locket too- follow the steps below and print a 13mm photo 

1. Find the photo(s) you want to use. You can use a total of two for each locket. 

2. Size the image correctly. You want your image to be the size of a quarter for a perfect fit. If you have a photo already, you can trace a quarter around the part you want to use and cut out. 

If you need to resize your image, here are a few options: 

· Take your photo to a kiosk center in Walgreens, Costco, etc. Make into a wallet size or size even smaller if the kiosk will let you. 

· Drag your photo to Microsoft Word, click format picture, and adjust the size. You may have to play around with the sizing a little to get exactly what you want inside your quarter. For me, 1.25" was perfect. 

· Use this site to get a perfect fit! We are not associated with this company, but it seems like a wonderful solution. They've taken the guess work out! 

Get started > proceed without code > circle > 33mm (or 13mm for the Eclipsed Sm locket) > add image > delete the ones you don't want (you may just need one) > edit > zoom/ adjust as needed > save > finish > download 

3. Then you print! You can print from home on normal computer paper, you can print from home on photo paper, or you can upload your resized picture to a photo site and order that way.

Note: I printed on normal computer paper for this tutorial and it's a little grainy. If I were doing this for my real locket, I'd consider using photo paper or having a photo site print for me. 

4. Cut to size and insert. Place a quarter over your image in the correct spot, trace, and cut out. You can attach with double sided tape or you can use a paintbrush and Mod Podge on the front and back to seal it well. A 4oz bottle is around $3 at the time this blog post was published and comes in gloss or matte finish. 

Another option would be to laminate your print off and attach with tape. If you choose this method, make your photo a little smaller to account for the extra width of the lamination. 

5. Done! Enjoy your locket with your loved ones inside. (Note: You could also attach a little note, flower, etc using a similar method.)

If you do this, I'd love to see! Tag @dearmushka on Instagram. 

Shop The Eclipsed Lg Locket here!

10. The Aid Necklace

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds · Psalm 147:3

Strung onto 16" of chain, a stardust bead sparkles and seeks to fill the hole created by loss and heartache. It's a perfect reminder that there is beauty from ashes and a healing gift for someone sitting in the hard of life.

It's not meant to fix the hurt, but rather to remind of The Great Healer or to serve as an "in memory of." Also makes a lovely everyday necklace for anyone.

9. The Eclipsed Lg Necklace

Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known · Jeremiah 33:3

"Eclipsed" is a bold locket necklace, beckoning you to call out to God; there you will find the sweetest, hidden answers. You just have to ask and open your heart.

A lovely on-trend necklace for anyone in need of a little sentiment and a little hope. What sort of love might you put inside? A photo? A tiny note? A kiss?

8. The Portion Necklace

The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in him · Lamentations 3:24

The word "portion" in this verse refers to a plot of land, an inheritance, or a home and so this piece is designed to look like the Earth from above. 

It's a precious reminder that a spouse, child, home, job, etc will never be our portion. Instead, we place our hope & joy in God and look to Him to be all we need.

7. The Verse Tabs

Memorizing scripture is how we take God's words and make them a part of our lives. It's how we think on them during our day and share them with others as needed. After all, from the overflow of the mouth the heart speaks! 

These Verse Memorization Tabs are how I memorize scripture. Grab a box, put these inside, and you're ready to begin! These tabs come with "how to use" sheet. You can also see our method for memorizing here (it only takes 5 minutes a day!)

6. The Promise Pack

Nothing has shaped my faith more than memorizing scripture, and it is with great joy that we welcome in this promise pack-- 52 promises from God's heart straight to yours, printed on durable paper meant to be touched and loved. Join us as we memorize one promise a week or go at your own pace, store them in a box or frame them as you go, keep them all for yourself or gift to a friend in need!

5. The Lantern Necklace

The Lantern Necklace is for the girl being a bright light in this dark world. In her workplace, to her children, with her neighbors; no matter where God has her, she is using her gifts to proclaim His name and offer unending joy.

This is a simple but eye-catching piece, bound to spark conversation and present an opportunity for you to love well.

4. The Net Necklace

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you · 1 Peter 5:7

Beautifully woven, "net" beckons you to cast your bundle of anxieties overboard and take a deep breath. God cares for you and will handle your more worrisome problems.

A fantastic long necklace, ideal for wearing alone or for layering with other pieces.

3. The Cheer Keychain

The Cheer Keychain seeks to bring to mind these helpful words before you blow thoughts out without thinking. Encourage and cheer one another on rather than tearing down!

Bonus: The whistle is really loud, perfect for keeping close by on your keyring.

2. The Bind My Wandering Heart Sweatshirt

1. The Daughter Earrings

The Daughter Studs are sweet & tiny with a little pop of happy color. They're easy to wear all day and are shaped like small crowns for the reminder: We are daughters of the most High King and can approach his throne confidently; let's head there together, Sisters.

The word "discipline" comes from the word disciple, which describes a student/ learner of a leader. We seen this word used in the Bible towards the people who followed Jesus, soaking up his wisdom and longing to become more like Him. And we see it, practically, in the purpose of discipline as we work to create learners of our children who follow our leadership (and ultimately God's authority). 

Keeping this perspective in mind helps us as we make decisions on how to best instruct and teach our children. 

I am not a parenting expert by any means, and acknowledge that my oldest child (of three) is five; we have so little experience and so much to learn!

With that said, here are a few things that are working for us: 

1. Pray. And remember that parenting is a God-ordained way to draw us into a deeper relationship with Himself. James 1:5 reminds us that when we ask God for wisdom it will be given to us. Psalm 32:8 tells us that God will instruct us in the way we should go, counseling us with His loving eye upon us. When we're at a loss on how to move forward with our children, we can run to our own Heavenly Father and ask for help. He longs for us to praise His omniscience and sit in humility. As He answers our prayers, we grow in faith and love for Him (and our children do as well). 

Books and other mothers' wisdom can be a beautiful tool in God's hands, but nothing compares to the power of the Holy Spirit to guide us. Don't skip right to Google before you've taken your concerns and worries to God. 

2. Remember Your Reliance on the Gospel. You're in just as much need of forgiveness and grace as your child is. When we forget our tendency towards sin and the lavish mercy that has been poured upon us, we're quick to anger and quick to demand perfection from our children. Rooting ourselves in God's word helps remind us of our own sin and points us to Jesus and His compassion. (This is part of why I recommend daily time in the Word; we're so quick to forget!) 

I also recommend this book as a much-needed parenting gut check. It's helped both me and my husband and will be one I re-read every few years. 

Along these lines, demonstrating repentance to your children can be so valuable. Don't be afraid to admit that you sinned and ask for forgiveness. 

3. Think beyond Punishment. If discipline is training our children to be learners, then discipline is more than a consequence for bad behavior. Seeing our children's strengths, praising their growth, and offering encouragement far more than critique goes so (so) far. 

4. Start Young. Ages 0-3 are critical training years. That's not to say that work can't or shouldn't be done beyond the little years, but studies show that young children's brains are the most receptive and adaptable and by six, most children's character traits are set. 

At around nine months old, all of our boys have begun rebelling on the changing table-- joyfully wiggling everywhere when they know they shouldn't. We firmly say "be still" and then give a gentle flick on the thigh if need be. Young children can't be reasoned with ("you must be still because you may fall off and that's dangerous and I'm trying to changer your dirty diaper so you're making a big mess...") but they can understand discomfort; they can begin to associate wiggling on the changing table and disobedience with pain. 

If this sounds harsh, remember that it isn't being mean. It's teaching them how to stay safe, how to trust and obey their authority so they'll one day do the same with God, and how to live in the real world that absolutely has consequences for our actions. (For the record, a few flicks is all it takes before they've learned to lay calmly.)

5. Use Natural Consequences When Possible. This was an eye-opening discipline technique that has really helped me as a mother. This book and this book were both recommended by a few older mothers I greatly respect and showed me that I didn't have to yell, use shaming words, threats, etc to teach my children. Instead, I could let natural consequences help them learn. 

Here's an example: When my children decide to do flips in their seats while they're eating and their plates fall on the floor, I calmly tell them that lunch is over. They lose the privilege of eating a meal and they also have to clean up the mess instead of running off to play. 

Of course, when they're little they are warned and the situation is explained to them multiple times beforehand. But once I'm sure they understand how they're expected to act, I don't argue with their behavior; I let the consequence do the talking. I have so much to learn here (and imagine consequences aren't always easy to come up with or stick to), but can already see it's benefit in our home. 

6. Be Consistent and Clear. Someone once told me: When you're consistent and clear, your children are the ones choosing their own outcomes. It isn't a surprise or a game ("will mother actually hold to her threat?") They know! 

In our home, blatant disobedience and disrespect earn a spanking. Our children know that if we say "come" and they run the other way, the consequence for their behavior is a spanking*. Likewise, they know the same if they talk back, roll their eyes, etc when we're speaking. 

I don't want to trick my children, nor to do I want to be saying empty threats or constantly wondering how to handle disrespect. We all know. 

*I'm not here to tell you whether to spank or not, but the point is the same regardless. Pray and ask God for wisdom here. We're always learning. 

7. Bring God's Presence and Words Into It. More than anything, this is my goal. When my child disobeys, specifically when a spanking or a large consequence is in order, I pray before I act and make sure I'm calm enough to move forward; it's okay for a child to sit in their room for a little while as you gather yourself. 

Then, I ask them to tell me why they're receiving this consequence. If they don't know, we talk through it. I explain what God says about the behavior (this is a tool I created for this purpose) and allow them to ask questions. This is a teaching time. 

After the spanking (or after the big consequence has been announced), I sing Hebrews 12:11 to the tune of Row, Row, Row your boat. I want my children to know that discipline feels unpleasant at the time, but later it yields the "peaceful fruit of righteousness." Then, I pray out loud that God would use my imperfect discipline to change my child's heart. I also want my children to learn the importance of repenting to God and asking for His forgiveness, but we haven't worked much on that yet.  

_____

Q: A question I'm often asked is whether my husband and I agree completely on parenting tactics and of course, the answer is "no." God made men and women differently, and I think we bring various strengths to the situation. I also think discipline falls on the shoulders of the parent who interacts with the children more, which is most often the mother. If you long for your husband to take more control here, pray for it! 

Here's a whole blog post I wrote on my favorite parenting books! Here's another one that isn't on the list but I've really appreciated. 

@simplyonpurpose is a helpful Instagram account to refer to. Risen Motherhood is a great resource for approaching motherhood through the lens of the Gospel. I also recently started listening to this Courageous Parenting podcast and enjoy it.

Last year, I read The Color of Compromise and something awoke in me. I already had three black sons and knew that our country was still a dangerous place for them (a problem!) but I had not known, up until that point, the ties between slavery/racism & Christianity. I think there'd always been a part of me that denied any connection with racism ("my family didn't have slaves") when it turns out my family-- my Spiritual family-- was the worst offender. 

From there, I began to tune in and listen to those far more wise than myself. I jumped into a Be the Bridge group here in Nashville. I started reading books about racial reconciliation, books by black authors, books about the history that I was never taught in school. And I began to understand that this issue of racism is not only far from over, it is deeply imbedded in so many of our hearts and minds (whether we want it to be or not) and must be battled if we're to love our fellow image bearers of God well. 

With Black History Month approaching, I wanted to share some ideas for honoring it in your home-- especially if your household is dominantly white. I know that those of us with light skin have far more power than we may even realize. And as Spiderman taught me (says the mom of three boys): "With great power comes great responsibility" 

-----

1. Read. Read books about racial reconciliation, read books by black authors, read novels set in a time period when slavery was still legal or Jim Crow was in full effect. 

Introduce people of different ethnicities into your children's books (along with media, toys, etc) After all, race is not something that can be parented in neutral. 

Here's a page that has some of my favorite books on this topic all in one place.

For adults, I'd start with Be the Bridge by Latasha Morrison-- a soft intro into the issue, written by a beautiful Christian woman. She's who began the Be the Bridge Groups I'm a part of. From there, I'd suggest White Fragility and then The Color of Compromise. 

For children, I love all the books listed in the link above but I also encourage you to go to your local library. They'll probably display lots of books on Black History so you don't even have to search!

2. Watch Movies. Here are some ideas to get you started. Consider watching one every week during February. 

Click photos for direct links

Selma, staring Cuba Gooding Jr. and Oprah. $1.99 rental on Amazon Prime

The Watsons go to Birmingham: One geared towards kids. Could be a great one to watch as a family! $4.99 rental on Amazon Prime

The Color Purple: Directed by Steven Spielberg. I'd like to watch this one this year. $3.99 rental on Amazon Prime

Harriet, an incredible movie about Harriet Tubman. We saw this in the theater last year and loved it. I just see it for purchase on Amazon, but you may be able to find a rental elsewhere. 

The Help: One you've probably read or seen. Watch it again and dialogue with your people! $3.99 rental on Amazon Prime

12 Years a Slave: Another I'd like to watch this year. $3.99 rental on Amazon Prime

Remember the Titans, Hairspray, To Kill a Mockingbird, and Hidden Figures are other ones that come to mind.

Also, consider watching the shows When They See Us and This is Us. 

3. Listen. Listen to podcasts-- I suggest this one and this episode. Listen to people of color around you. Find a group made up of different races like Be the Bridge and jump in, more ready to listen than to talk.  

Additionally, be willing to weep and mourn with those who do so (Romans 12:15)

4. Go somewhere to learn more. Visit a museum (this page allows you to search Black History museums by state! One day I'd love to visit the one in D.C.) Attend a MLK walk. Google "Things to do for Black History Month in my city" and try one. I understand that these actions take energy, but people who know far more than me say they're worth it. If you live in the South, I'm confident there are places around you.

Could your friends or family do one activity together this month? Perhaps even serve in an area of need around your city that focuses on loving black people well. A financial donation would also be powerful. I'm accepting the challenge! 

5. Pray. Pray that God would allow His Kingdom to come here as it is on Heaven, which includes equality for all peoples and nations. Pray for any racist sin of yours to be revealed (and be humble enough to admit that there's probably some there). Pray for wisdom on how you can use the white skin God has given you to help your brothers and sisters. 

Welcome to another monthly Q&A with my husband, Robert. He’s worked with Dear Mushka for a number of years now. You’ll also find him on @yourennegramcoach. To watch the Instagram highlight for this month's Q&A, click here! 

Q:  How can singles prepare for marriage?

A:  If you feel that the Lord has called you for marriage, first get your spiritual house in order. Marriage isn’t going to fix your sins. In fact, it acts like a magnifying glass! Use your singlehood to work with the Lord on any issues, childhood trauma or sin. 

God needs to be your priority, even in marriage. If you’ve made marriage an idol, you’ll put an unfair burden on your spouse. 

Also, read a book or two about marriage. This helps us rehearse God’s plan for marriage. It’s not to find your soul mate or happiness. To really understand the purpose and plan behind marriage, I suggest books like The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller, You and Me Forever by Francis and Lisa Chan, and Marriage and the Mystery of the Gospel by Ray Ortlund.

Q:  Any advice for an engagement period? 

A:  The purpose of the engagement time should be to plan for a marriage, not a wedding day. Go to counselling and spend this time preparing yourself to hold to your vows. 

Q:  Any advice for the first year of marriage?

A:  Set good boundaries regarding work, family, hobbies, and friends. The Word is clear: you need to leave and cleave to your spouse. Your relationship with them should have priority. 

I’d also say it’s never too early to go to counselling. Even maintenance counselling is excellent just to talk through issues with a mediator present. 

Start early keeping your husband or wife’s name “safe” on your tongue. Speak only positively about your spouse. Respect your partner and let others see that. Remember, we shouldn’t be an expert in our partner’s sins, but rather an expert in their strengths, their God-given glory and their most honourable traits. 

Q:  Do we spend time together in prayer and Bible study?

A:  We pray together daily, but it isn’t scheduled or structured. We’re quick to grab one another's hands to pray spontaneously in different situations. But we study the Bible in different ways, and we’re interested by different readings. 

I used to really want to study the Bible together. I probably nagged Robert to join me in a scheduled devotion/prayer time, but it was too forced. Ultimately I learned that we don’t necessarily have to do these things together. What’s important is that Christ is exalted in our marriage and our home. Our goal is to “Glorify the Lord with me, let’s exalt his name together.” 

We don’t have to be opening our Bible together at the same time. We’d still like to work towards a family devotion time, but not necessarily a scheduled one between the two of us. 

Q:  Are we always on the same page about big life decisions like parenting, business and home?

A:  Almost never! Robert is very black and white while I’m very grey! We do a lot of talking. I remind him that there are other perspectives to consider. He reminds me that we should be definite about certain things. 

There are two main views on Christian marriage. Egalitarianism is the belief that men and women maintain interchangeable roles in the family and the church. 

Complementarianism is more traditional. It says that men and women are equal in value but there are distinct roles. Men follow Christ as the head of the Church. 

We’d call ourself soft complementarians. It’s okay for me to disagree, talk issues out and we work together. But ultimately, Robert is the “head” of our family. I trust him!

So as a summary, we often absolutely disagree on how to parent, spend money, or run our business. We’ve found it helpful to have areas that one of us is generally in charge of. For example, parenting is largely my area of expertise. 

We can and do talk about issues. If we can’t agree, the final decision lands on Robert. And honestly, it’s a lot of weight to carry. I’m glad he carries it and not me!

Q:  Theology book recommendations?

A:  Practical Theology for Women by Wendy Horger Alsup. It’s a really short basic book that makes big elaborate concepts easy to understand. 

Robert suggests Jen Wilkin’s books. His favorite is None Like Him. I’ve read and love all her books. She’s so sharp and clear! She also has great Bible studies. 

Robert also recommends John Stott, J. I. Packer and A. W. Tozer. Mere Christianity by CS Lewis is an excellent but challenging read. 

Q:  What does discipling men look like for you, Robert?

A:  For some reason, men aren’t as comfortable as women signing up for discipling groups. Our pride becomes involved and it’s hard for us to admit we don’t know how to do things. 

Discipling tends to be relational for men. For me, that’s meant meeting with a group of guys for coffee or breakfast on a weekly basis to build trust and relationships. In that environment,  men feel comfortable to ask questions. 

I’m also a groups leader coach and I try to help men get to know each other on a deeper level. We need to be ready to ask deeper or better questions. Don’t focus on work all the time. I like to ask questions like, “How’s your wife?” or “Are you being a better father or worker or husband?”

Also setting aside a time and place and inviting men to come has worked well, too. Sometimes that’s one on one time, group discussions, or a quiet Bible reading.

Q:  How do you stay intimate with little ones in the family?

A:  I recommend the Coffee + Crumbs podcast series. They interviewed a Christian sex expert. It was really helpful. 

Robert says that scheduling it can help! If you leave it up to feeling good or feeling in the mood, it’s probably not going to happen. What’s important is to create an environment of openness and safety where you can talk about intimacy without shame, guilt or fear. 

This circles back to what you do during singleness and engagement will follow you into your marriage. 

Q:  How does a woman encourage her husband to go deeper in his relationship with God?

A:  Deep and fervent prayer is the most important thing. The Holy Spirit is the One who draws us into relationship in the beginning and all the way through. Nagging and brow beating just won’t work. 

You, your church, and your environment can set a good positive example. Continue to be an example of the fruit of righteousness to him. 

It’s okay for you to be the one who initiates ideas like, “Are you interested in reading through this Bible plan with me this year?” The man doesn’t have to be the one who comes up with all the ideas. It just might not be his skill! So bring it up if you feel led, but be genuine! 

The Lord showed me that prayer is the only way to change hearts. He wants us to relinquish control and trust Him.

Marriage Books: 

The Meaning of Marriage

You and Me Forever

Marriage and the Mystery of the Gospel 

Theology Books: 

Practical Theology for Women

None Like Him

Podcasts:

Coffee & Crumbs on Sex Part 1 and Part 2

Risen Motherhood on "How Can Mom Support Dad Spiritually" 

For more on Christian marriage and parenting, follow our daily Instagram stories here.  

Our Dear Mushka short necklaces are ideal to wear alone or layered with a longer piece. Each necklace comes with a reflective verse from the Bible to keep close to your heart or share with a loved one. These are seven of our favorites.

The Resolved Necklace

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. · Isaiah 26:3

The metal on this necklace is like our minds. It goes every which way - around our necks, looking at the past; hanging down towards the ground, in shame or distress; sticking out, comparing ourselves to others. But peace is found when we wrap our minds around God - the stone in the middle.

I pray this piece causes you to to keep your mind stayed on a trustworthy God every single day. He is worthy of our trust and praise.

It's a lovely every day necklace, perfect worn alone or layered with a longer piece!

The Onward Necklace

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you · Isaiah 43:2

The Onward Necklace is a beautiful visual of this promise in Isaiah. The middle section of chain looks like fire and moves like water, a reminder that God is with you when you walk through both. 
 
It's a perfect piece to wear during seasons of trial, and looks lovely dressed up or down!

The Guide Necklace

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. I will counsel you with my loving eye upon you · Psalm 32:8

The Guide Necklace mimics an eye as a reminder that God sees us and offers counsel and instruction in our every days. We don't have to go it alone; we have the wisdom and guidance of the Holy Spirit with us, always!

With four color options to choose from, it's a beautiful necklace for anyone!

The Guard Necklace

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus · Philippians 4:6-7

The Guard Necklace is shaped like a shield to mimic what a guard might used to protect his post. When we come to God in prayer with thanksgiving, His peace guards our hearts and minds.

This is a lovely everyday necklace full of meaning and promise.

The Portion Necklace

The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in him · Lamentations 3:24

The word "portion" in this verse refers to a plot of land, an inheritance, or a home and so this piece is designed to look like the Earth from above. 

It's a precious reminder that a spouse, child, home, job, etc will never be our portion. Instead, we place our hope & joy in God and look to Him to be all we need.

The Twinkle Necklace

When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? · Psalm 8:3-4

The Twinkle necklace has tiny 14k gold fill or sterling silver dots fall along a dainty chain, shining the image of stars glowing in the night sky.

We pray you wear it, praising God for His bigness and for His care of you.

The Salt Necklace

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.  · Colossians 4:6

"Salt" subtly sparkles right below the collar bone, creating the perfect everyday necklace for anyone.

A friendly reminder to keep your conversations full of grace in the same way you might add salt to a meal, making them palatable and enjoyable!

For more Christian Jewelry options and meanings, watch our Instagram stories for daily inspiration from Katie.